Wednesday, 28 October 2015

Grow Your Dreams - Mindset does Matter

Success is a journey that starts with the little steps we take each day towards realising our dreams.  So what we do today determines what we will do,be and have tomorrow.  Life is no accident, it is a response to our thoughts, habits and actions.   The tragedy is that for most of us life is more a matter of  "K sera sera, whatever will be will be, the future is not ours to see, k sera sera".  But this song is a lie because you can be in control of your life and the future you want to have. It starts with the birth place of dreams - the fertile fields of your mind. This is the place where dreams are sown and grown so be careful what you plant. What you sow - you reap.  

I compiled a list of habits for self coach to success of the mindsets that can determine your success or defeat in achieving your goals or dream.  I have listed them below as I believe that to achieve your dreams you require the right mindset. 

Success Mindset
Defeatist Mindset
1.   Persist – focus on your dream and stick at it until you reach it. Remember to celebrate the small steps on the journey.
A. Define success as won, luck or innate – you believe you have no control over it.  It is for the fortunate few whose circumstances enabled them to achieve their dreams.
2.   Listen to alternative points of view – this enables you to critically evaluate your own ideas and broadens your horizons.   
B. Working hard doesn’t get you anywhere but only acknowledge one aspect of work, physical labour.

3.   Co-operate – collaborate and work with others
C. Opportunity – believe they have never been given the opportunity to succeed because of luck and circumstance. Don’t recognise opportunity when it knocks or make the most when they do.
4.   Be a detective – Curiosity did not kill the cat it brought him back.  Ask questions, seek evidence and analyse ideas.
D. Defeatist attitude - make poor choices or have a poor outlook.
“To expect defeat is nine-tenths of defeat itself.” – Henry Mencken
5.   Broaden your perspective – view a situation from multiple view points and be open to changing yours.
E. Quit – tried and did not succeed so gave up. Lack perseverance and self-motivation.
“Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.”– Winston Churchill
6.   Be a Puzzler – use problem solving and decision making to plan, monitor, evaluate and review your progress. Be prepared to change direction or proceed in a new way.
F. Victim Mentality - blame their past, current situationissues, and circumstances as road blocks for not trying or persevering. Look for obstacles and barriers not conduits and passageways.
7.   Inventive – look for different and creative ways of thinking about something or doing things. Be a live long learner.
G. Take NO for an answer – are pessimism, surround themselves with negativity and Nay Sayers. Let challenges and adversity defeat them.


If you don't action and realise your dreams you are not fully living your life.  Take a chance and plant the seed, water and tend it with the right mindset and grow that BIG Dream - in time you will reap a golden harvest.

What dream are you currently tending - have you got green fingers (Success Mindset) or black thumbs(Defeatist Mindset)? Love to hear your comments.

If you found this interesting please share with your friends.  Would also appreciate if you visited our Facebook Page and gave us a Like.  Merna and I have just started our on our big dream - Avenue to Change - helping women live their dream.   

Monday, 12 October 2015

5 Tips to Loving Yourself More



If you compare yourself to other people - there are two likely outcomes.  Either it will be favourable or unfavourable. You will judge yourself as either a success or a failure based on the measurement you are using.  You will either feel you are better then or worse off than the other person.

For example a good friend of mine who lives in a multi million dollar home and is creating a glorious garden that is not only ornamental but functional as well comprising vegetables and herbs while I live in an old rambling wooden house with a couple of herbs in pots out the back.  If I compared myself with my friend on these two aspects of our life ( house and garden) I could end up feeling envious and dissatisfied and resentful. It would be a negative experience for me and likely to impact on the longevity of our relationship. However, if I take an alternative approach and choose to admire and congratulate  her on her achievement then she will will inclined to share her success and perhaps I can learn something from her. In addition, I might be inspired to make some home improvements of my own.

Wish to Be Yourself not Somebody  Else


"When we appreciate exactly who we are in our life, our stresses dissolve and we get more to be grateful for"
Dr John Demartini

Merna, my business colleague at Avenue to Change says we are putting way too much pressure on ourselves to be something or someone we are not... to meet other peoples standards, to perform, produce... What do you think? Are you trying to live someone else's dream or live a life the world dictates represents success? Are you constantly comparing yourself to your siblings, neighbours or work colleagues?

Remember you are unique - like a snowflake - There is noone else in the world just like you.  As Vartan Gregorian said " The Universe is not going to see someone like you again in the entire history of creation." You are one of a kind.  Therefore everyone in the world has a completely original way of looking at the world and a unique set of gifts/purpose.  Love Yourself for who you are right now.

Meditate on That

Meditation has no other goal other than for you to be yourself - which ironically you already are.  When we praise meditation and mindfulness the goal is to be an impartial witness to our own experience. During meditation we need to be aware that our minds are constantly judging and reacting to our inner and outer experiences. This type of activity tends to dominate our minds and make it difficult to experience inner peace. We need to acknowledge these are judgments and try to just observe them as an impartial witness, let them go and remind ourselves that meditation involves suspending the judgments and letting them go.

5 Tips to Focus on  Self Love


  1. Treat Yourself  - Be your own best friend. Take yourself out to places you love to go, buy yourself flowers or a special treat.  Spoil yourself sometimes.  If you've had a particularly trying day then go for a swim or massage (or to the hair dresser/nail clinic etc). 
  2. Journal Your  Thoughts and Feelings - Buy or craft a Journal that you can love and use it daily/weekly or just when you feel the need to get your thoughts and feeling out of your head.  Use some prompts like "Right now I am feeling..." or "Today I thought..."
  3. Get in Touch with Your Spiritual Self - Not everyone is religious but I believe humans are spiritual beings.  Reflect on your own beliefs about 'the meaning/purpose of life' and what this means for you as an individual.  I feel energised yet peaceful when I get out in nature. I also believe in God and that he has a purpose for me.  
  4. Live Your Dream - spend sometime determining what it is you want to achieve (in a month, year or a sector of  your life) and dedicate tie each day towards bringing that dream to reality.  Focus on what you can do/achieve and not the barriers.
  5. Silence the Inner Critic - We all have that 'little voice" in our heads that wants to beat us down with all the negatives. Be aware of your inner critic and be prepared to challenge with a positive alternative view point.  Become the Queen of Positive Re-frame. 

If you found this useful, perhaps you might like to consider sharing it with a friend. I'd be grateful for any feedback or comments. 

Monday, 5 October 2015

Dream Again

Do you get up in the morning and click on the autopilot:  Get dressed (without really thinking about what your putting on), gobble down your breakfast - same old cereal (or not even tasting what you've eaten), rush out the door and travel to work or where ever you have to be (same old route so nothing new to see - right), drudge through your day (more of the same),  back home to scoff down some dinner and plonk down in front of the T.V  (zonk out until bedtime) and then hit the hay ready for the next day.  Press Repeat 7 times a week. 


Sound familiar.?

Have your dreams turned to dust under the wheels of  'the daily grind' of routine and repetition? Perhaps you have come to the conclusion - "Why dream anyway?"

Well a "dream' provides the seed from which goals sprout. If you don't plant any seeds then you will never harvest the crop.  A dream provides you with a picture of your destination - from this picture you can plan the steps and navigate the path you need to take to get there (the steps/goals that you will need to implement to reach that place). Without a destination  in mind you could end up anywhere or nowhere - just think about how you plan a holiday.
The question for each man to settle is not what he would do if he had means, time, influence and educational advantages; the question is what he will do with the things he has. The moment a young man ceases to dream or to bemoan his lack of opportunities and resolutely looks his conditions in the face, and resolves to change them, he lays the corner-stone of a solid and honorable success.
Hamilton Wright Mabie 

In March, I created a vision board for 2015.  One of the things I put on it was to compete a through walk with my family. For all you non hiking people, this entailed carrying everything we needed for 4 days in our backpacks - food, clothing, sleeping gear, tents etc - about 15 kg.  I created a vision board with pictures and words that resonated with this theme, displayed it above my desk for all to see and shared my dream with my husband.  From there, making the dream a reality happened really quickly - 3 months from making the board to going on the hike. We set goals with time frames for completion including purchase gear, booking our place on the Island (only limited number of people allowed on Island at any one time), and an exercise program to increase my fitness level. ( If you want to know more about that adventure flip over to my self-coach to success blog and have a read) . Looking back, I realise that the hike only came about because I dared to dream, shared that dream and took action to make it a reality.

So I encourage you to take a chance and some time to really think about where you want to be five or 10 years from now? What inspires you? What do you REALLY want out of life?

This is an activity with very little risk - you have nothing to loose (except maybe 15 -30 mins of your time) and everything to gain (perhaps a blueprint for your dreams).

Activity 


  1. Find a quiet spot where you won't be disturbed or distracted - not on the couch where you watch tellie.
  2. Take a pen and paper with you.
  3. Close your eyes and reflect on the following questions - don't over think it or edit what comes into your mind.  Just let your dream response flow out  onto the paper.
  • What area of your life is your focus/priority at the moment? (health, relationship, family, work, finances etc)
  • With this area of your life - What is your dream? Imagine it in every detail - clarity  makes it more real.
  • What are you doing?
  • Who are you with?
  • How do you feel?
  • What else is happening?

Don’t be concerned with what feels possible right now; just get your thoughts out on paper. This is your
DREAM, so do not hold yourself back.

Share your dream with others and you might be surprised how they can help it become a reality. i'd love to hear about your dreams.

Tuesday, 5 May 2015

7 Tips on Choosing your Best Sidekick

Last week, during a visit to my hair dresser, Sharon, shared the following story with me:  Sharon and her best friend had decided to go on an oversees trip to Singapore together.  They had planned the journey based on their interest in Asian culture and they got along well together . They decided they would share accommodation to cut down costs and for safety reasons.  Sharon confided that the trip was a disaster. She found that while they both enjoyed shopping, she found her friends idea of shopping meant trying on every dress in every shop they visited.  Sharon's idea of getting ready the night before to ensure and early start was foiled by her friends need to sleep in and  "last minute" preparations.  Sharon  said she regretted the trip and would have parted company with her companion except everything had been pre-booked and paid for.  She said it was the  worst holiday she had ever had and was the precursor to the demise of the friendship. Sharon is not sure that investing more time in the  planning stage would have made much difference as it was the little peculiarities that had made the most impact on the outcome.  

This little snippet of someones travel disaster resonated with me so much because of we use it as an analogy  for life - how often has our travel companion made the difference between a great journey or a disaster.  By this I mean, the life partner we have chosen, our peers at work, the school mates we surround ourselves with, the person we start a business with and/or the people we invite into our homes.  

My own example of choosing the wrong side kick culminated in divorce. After several years of trying to make it work, the birth of two children, and a change of job and address we realised we were not suited together.   We did not share the same values and had different priorities in life.  We also had lost respect for each other made each other miserable.  
   

7 Tips On SideKick Selection Criteria

Her are my seven best tips for choosing your best sidekick weather it be a business partner, life partner or a travel companion:
  1. Try Before you Buy :
    My hairdresser might have know her travel companion for years but had she spent a week-end away before her trip she might have reconsidered her travel arrangements. So make sure you spend time together getting to know each other better before making a big commitment. .  In the case of a holiday, take a short trip before committing to oversees travel, if it's a business venture ensure you know the other persons assets including skills, focus, capacity to contribute, reputation etc. check Minda Zetlin's blog post   How-to-tell-if-you've-found-the-right-business-partner.  If it's a life partner, spend time with their family and friends and see how they respond.
     
  2. A shared vision and goal:
    A vision provides clear ongoing direction—it is clear what you should do next. As you take each step, the next one becomes clear. A vision continues to act as a beacon, guiding you in setting new goals once current ones have been achieved.If both parties do not share the same vision then they will be working at cross purposes and become frustrated with each other. Being on the same page is very important. 
  3. Mutual hard work:Many people find themselves working with partners who don’t share their enthusiasm or passion for the journey they have undertaken together. Partners who can’t follow p with their responsibilities or business parenters who can't meet deadlines  can bankrupt the partnership.  Equal division of labour and equal contribution to the endeavour by both parties ensures everyone feels valued, respected and appreciated
  4. Open communication: Great communication means the capacity to put your own thoughts on hold and allow the other person to fully express themselves.  Remember the greater part of good communication is listening.  It also means having a clear process for resolving conflict and giving positive feedback. 
  5. Mutual respect:Your partner’s wishes and feelings have value. Let  them know know you are making an effort to keep their ideas in mind. Mutual respect is essential in maintaining healthy relationships.
  6. A balance of power:
    Power in a relationship can be compared to being on a 
    seesaw with your partner. As you travel up, he or she travels downwards. Up and down you both go, constantly changing positions. Then one of you stops the game by trying to control the other. Perhaps you are left dangling in the air as your partner throws all his weight backwards and digs himself into the ground. Indeed, it often seems that in relationships, one partner has the upper hand. Yet the balance can shift suddenly and dramatically. In order to have a successful relationship with someone we need to balance or need to be in control, be dependant/independant with the other parties similar needs.
  7. Someone who is Fun to Be With: If you really don't like the other person y
    ou are sharing the journey with there is not much hope for success regardless of the venture.    Whilst you might respect a person and get along O.K it certainly is not the best way to spend the majority of your time, especially if it is your "free time". 

When going on a life's journey choosing the best side kick is very important so take as much time on choosing your companion as you do on the itinerary. Have a wonderful trip.

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Talk soon. 
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Saturday, 11 April 2015

Transformation Process

This last week I attended the funeral of a member of my church community.  He was it elderly and had lead a life dedicated to God and the congregations he served.  He was also an inspiration to me as even in his early 80's and in ill health still continued to preach and follow his life calling to bring people to the Lord.  In his final hours, he apparently advised his wife and family to "get on with Joyful Living" and not to stay transfixed by his parting. Not always and easy thing - for those who are grieving their loss - or for anyone for that matter. 

Transfixed verb
past tense: transfixed; past participle: transfixed
  1. 1.
    cause (someone) to become motionless with horror, wonder, or astonishment.
    "he was transfixed by the pain in her face"
    synonyms:mesmerizehypnotizespellbindbewitchcaptivateentranceenthral,fascinateengrossenrapturestunstupefyastoundgrip, root someone to the spot, stop someone dead, stop someone in their tracks; 

 We have all had the experience of being like the deer caught in the headlights and been transfixed and unable to move forward or even sideways with our lives.  Whilst this is acceptable, an even desirable in the short term (enabling us to reflect, gather strength and plan for the future), if we stay motionless for too long it becomes more difficult to change.  Just as our muscles become atrophied from lack of us so does our mental muscles. There is some truth to the old saying "It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks".  It's challenging to learn something new generally because we have been doing what we do for so long that learning how to do it differently is difficult. Despite what this phrase says, you actually can teach an old dog new tricks.  Wheather you're are "an old dog" or a "young dog" there is no time like the present to embrace change and revel in the transformation process. 

Transformation 

Transform Verb
  1. 1.
    make a marked change in the form, nature, or appearance of.
    "lasers have transformed cardiac surgery"

Changing complex human behavior is difficult. Unfortunately there is no magic fairy, or gene in a bottle, who can instantaneously grant the changes we desire. Change occurs as a process, not as a one off event. We can appreciate the process of change by thinking about natural processes that involve stages like a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly or winter shifting into spring. 

Transformation, according to Mary Beth G. Moze  in Surrender: An Alchemical Act in Personal Transformation is a ten phase experience which starts with a disorienting dilemma and then leads into progressive stages of engaging and evolving our habits of mind (Mezirow, 2000). She states in her research that the key in transformation is to examine our taken-for-granted and then either modify them or reconfirm them.  The purpose of this reflective process is to improve personal and collective well-being largely through improved relationships with self and other. It is more than a change in perspective, which is only a lateral move. Transformation is a vertical move that integrates greater truths and allows us to live life from a new way of knowing rather than just seeing it from a different perspective. 

Moze divides the transformative process into 10 steps (Mezirow, 2000, p. 22): 

1. A disorienting dilemma 

2. Self-examination with feelings of fear, anger, guilt, or shame 

3. A critical assessment of or present assumptions 

4. Recognition that one’s discontent and the process of transformation are shared by others

5. Exploration of options for new roles, relationships, and actions 

6. Planning a course of action

7. Acquiring knowledge and skills for implementing one’s plans 

8. Provisional trying of new roles 

9. Building competence and self-confidence in new roles and relationships

10. A reintegration into one’s life on the basis of conditions dictated by one’s new perspective 

The first phase - a disorienting dilemma - initiates the process. This can occur by accident or by design. Since we tend to resist the moment of change, it is generally a result of a traumatic event/experience rather than by choice.  Transformation can be either momentous or incremental and pursued deliberately. Of significance – whether encountered by accident or design – is that a disorienting dilemma is an invitation for growth, not a guarantee of growth. 

Phases two and three represent the point at which we either enter further into the transformative process or avoid it. This is when our ego’s fearful response to perceived challenges can prevent transformation .  Therefore, courage is an essential element to the  transformation process.  Courage, a character trait,  helps us to surrender (an action), but it is the actual act of surrender that advances the transformational process. 

I would add a further step to the above process.  Between Stage 5 and 6, I feel a person will envision a future self engaged in the new roles and activities. The more real this image is the greater the likeihood of the acheiving that new self/life/role.

Are you on the cusp of change as a planned process or because of a crisis/traumatic event?  Or are you restless with your current existence and seeking a life changing experience?  

In a couple o f weeks we will be running a "Date wit h Your dreams" Masterclass to assist people explore and capture the future they are seeking.  If you'll like to join us for a discussion or find out more please complete the e-mail details.  If you know someone who might benefit from this post please share.  

Tuesday, 31 March 2015

Forgive Yourself this Easter


It’s Easter again and weather you are a Christian and believe in the death, resurrection and ascension of Christ or are just thankful to have a four day week-end I though it fitting to express some specific thoughts we can contemplate as this significant day approaches about forgiveness and renewal. 

According to Christianity the most important reason for remembering Jesus' death is that through his sacrifice he took away the sins of the world. Because we are all frail sinners with a sinful nature Christians believe we cannot get to heaven without first being cleansed before a Holy God. Jesus died in our place because of His love for us.  Christians all over the world repent and seek forgiveness with the knowledge that though His Grace our sins will be forgiven. Jesus died so we could live a new life in Christ.  

If you are a non-believer, you might be asking yourself “what has this got to do with me?”  Well, I’d like you to think about all the times in the past 12 months you have beaten yourself up about something you have done or haven’t done. A negative though here and there about someone you know or someone you don’t and then you feel guilty about it.  How often has that pesky parrot that sits on your shoulder whispered something like these comments in your ear:
“You’re a terrible mother because you forgot about your child’s special day at school”
“You don’t deserve such a good wife because you forgot your anniversary”
“You don’t treat your friends with enough respect and you sometimes gossip with others at the water cooler”

Whilst Christian’s believe that only through Christ you can be forgiven all your sins and enter the Kingdom of Heaven I think that we are unwise to continually crucify ourselves over our past misdeeds or errors of judgment. While we must bear responsibility for our actions or in actions, to move forward with our lives, we have to come to terms with our past and be prepared to forgive ourselves. 

A new life, whether in Christ or not, requires us to forgive ourselves and let go of past grievances and mistakes. Forgiveness is a process. It does not happen overnight and the process will be different for everyone. But no matter how long it takes, there's hope! Realize that you can forgive yourself and still believe you were at fault, just as you might forgive someone else even though you think the person was in the wrong. You can regret what you did, yet accept that you’re human and make mistakes. Perhaps, you did your best, given your circumstances, awareness, maturity, and experience at the time. This is a healthy, humble attitude.

Ritual for Forgiving Yourself:


I love the use of rituals in our lives.  Rituals cause us to take pause, giving weight to things that are significant for us. They help our brain focus and pay attention, and they help us orient ourselves emotionally and spiritually.
Burning has long been used as a ritual of release, so today I’m going to show you a simple burning ritual for cleansing and releasing


  1.  Set aside 20 minutes of uninterrupted time. You will need a pen and piece of paper, matches, long tongs and a large flame-proof pot or bowl, or an outdoor fireplace.   Don’t use one of your good bowls or pots! Go to a second-hand store and find a big old saucepan. You could also use a barbeque pit or a campfire, or a terracotta pot.  Be sensible about your burning. Burn outside, observing fire restrictions and keeping your fire away from anything that might catch alight.
  2. Find a quiet place that is peaceful and relaxing. Close your eyes, breathe deeply and clear your mind.
  3. Now it is time to do some free writing.  At the top of the page write “I forgive myself completely for …” then start writing. The idea is simply to write for 10 minutes ... Don't stop for anything. Go quickly without rushing. Never stop to look back, to cross something out, to wonder how to spell something, to wonder what word or thought to use, or to think about what you are doing. If you can't think of a spelling, just use a squiggle or else write, 'I can't think of it.' Just put down something. The easiest thing is just to put down whatever is in your mind. If you get stuck it's fine to write 'I can't think of anything to say, I can't think of anything to say' as many times as you want; or repeat the last word you wrote over and over again; or anything else. The only requirement is that you never stop.
  4. Remember - Don’t censor yourself in any way.  Just keep writing until the 10 minutes are up.



The Burning Ritual:

  1. Sit in front of your pot or burning space, hold the free writing paper in your hands and just reflect on what this represents to you and why you need to let this go.  Finish with the words I am forgiven. I am done.
  2. Then burn that stuff to ashes!  Feel the flames eating up and rendering that old energy into nothingness.  Let it all go.  That’s why we need to do this ritual outside, where the old energy can escape and be diffused on the wind.  
  3. Acknowledge any emotions that come up for you, but allow the ritual to give you a sense of finality.  Dispose of your saucepan once it has cooled. Reflection on the process and accept that you have closed the door on that part of your life forever.



In burning the past, you leave yourself free to claim a brighter future. Celebrate the end of the Releasing Ritual with a beverage or some food – head out for a meal or do something special.  This is the start of a new life for you. 

If you have enjoyed this post please recommend it to your friends. If you have any tips to share I'd love to hear from you. Find us on Facebook for up coming workshops and more great information.